Alone?

   One Saturday night a few weeks ago, I found myself alone.  Soul crushingly alone.  I couldn't breathe at the realization.  All of my bests, including my youngest kid Jacob,  were busy, out of town, or with their significant others and families   It honestly did not matter what anyone else was doing with their life, it just didn't involve me that evening.  I came to the realization that I was going to have to learn to entertain myself.  GASP (picture my hand dramatically on my forehead).   The problem, however, is not entertainment, it is contentment.

     I was married for eight years and, during that time, my mother, my mother in law, my brother, and a family friend all lived with me and my already large family of five.  There was no shortage of entertainment and conversation.  In fact, I used to hope for small moments alone to pray, text a friend, or just collect my thoughts.  When I filed for divorce, I knew things would change and I was looking forward to some peace from my crazy situation, so the thought of being alone was enticing.  As many of you know, I did not get married until I was 32 years old and, with the exception of a great two-year relationship, I spent the majority of that as a single girl.  I thought...I can do that again, no problem.

     Well, there is a problem.  I am different now.  I did not realize how much being part of a constant family filled in all the holes that I did not even know were missing.  Let me reiterate that I don't miss my situation at all; I just have to readjust my thoughts towards having built-in companions.

     What is also very different is my mother is gone.  She was always my first go to for everything in this life.  I called her first with my joys, sorrows, annoyances, and happiness.  The truth is, at times I almost avoid talking to people that I anticipate may talk about my mom because I miss her so much.  I have somehow twistedly opted for loneliness over potential sadness.  (If you have seen the movie "Inside Out" you would completely understand the need for sadness' role in our lives.)  In my mind somehow that makes sense but in reality, listening to people tell me how much they loved my parents makes me smile in my heart.  They were good, fun people. 

     Some days, I get so anxious about feelings that I think being alone is the best option but somehow, God always knows which friend or family member to call to action and they send me a text or call.  Once I'm off the phone with them, I have forgotten about whatever problem was consuming me just minutes before and I sail on through the day.  I need to remember that I can pick up that phone as well because I can guarantee someone else in my circle feels the same way I do that day and just will not say it.

     If it wasn't for God and my best friends, this last year would have been a complete disaster.  I'm not saying it was perfect, but it's had so many amazing moments.  I've learned to stand up for myself, tell people how I feel (not often as gracefully as I'd like), how to be quiet, and when to make myself heard.  I've learned who my true friends are and made a few new ones along the way.

     My Bible reading today was about balance (does God know me or what?).  The reading talked about balancing softness and anger; how to not be aggressive but not be a doormat either.  I started looking at the emotional extremes in my life and the main issue that came to mind was loneliness versus constant contact.   I have to find that balance. I need to be in love with my friends but also love the quiet whir of my sewing machine.  I need to love the visions of my wild imagination while reading a good book as much as I love the sound of a text ringing from one of my bests.

     I don't feel sorry for myself.  I feel that God gives me these emotions along with the tools to deal with them.  It's up to me to use those tools.  He never leaves me so, despite my dramatic forehead slap, I am never really alone.  I love that.