Brave

What do you think it takes to be brave?  Is bravery approaching a handsome guy and asking him out or fixing the toilet by yourself? How about burying your mother?  Leaving a marriage that is quicksand?   Maybe it was just making it through today.  

Despite being synonyms, our language interchanges courage and bravery yet they mean different things.  Courage is the ability to do something frightening.  It requires action to attempt something of which we were previously afraid. Bravery is being ready to face an unknown danger and endure pain; nothing else is required besides readiness.  

Courage is traveling halfway across the country alone.  Bravery is steadfastness while our faith is persecuted when someone we love is adamantly rebelling against God.  Courage is going into a restaurant to eat alone for the first time.  Bravery is standing fast for what is righteous when it’s easier to walk away.  Courage is standing up and saying out loud that we serve The Lord. Bravery is telling God we are ready to be pruned and serve, then allowing His perfect Will to manifest with excitement for the revelations and changes. 

The Bible associates bravery with warriors and is mentioned most in the story of David, shepherd boy turned king, chosen by God to lead the people.  Samuel and Ezra, primary writers of the account, use the word brave to describe the warriors David was up against, which lends extreme credit since David was a deft warrior and decorated battle hero.  Bravery was associated solely with men in these accounts because women were supposed to be supportive and loving wives and mothers.  So how do we, especially women, be brave?  Ruth was brave.  Esther was brave. Mary was definitely brave.  They were simply ready.  Unsure, full of faith, and ready. 

How do we practice bravery?   We prepare our hearts in prayer, seek God’s Will through His Word, and share our joys and sorrows.  As much as we want to fix seemingly easy problems for our loved ones, we must allow them to seek The Lord on their own and face Him directly so that they may find their own unique opportunities to be brave. We each need to feel His almighty power because, when we fix others, they look to us rather than God for strength, courage, and help.  We should stand in prayer with them, offer Godly counsel, and refer them to scripture so they are equipped to be brave.  

Let me tell you friends, the bravest stance we will take is to helplessly and prayerfully watch someone reject God’s Love and Grace.  Be in prayer for them, love them, and know that God has a plan that will be revealed in His perfect timing.  I’m going to be straightforward; attempting to fix others takes away the opportunity for them to grow their own faith and, as a result, they are robbed of the joy that comes in the morning. Having said that, standing by and allowing someone else to hurt and face their own consequences is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.   But, that’s part of us growing our own faith.  This is me, desiring to catapult my faith, failing often, while learning to let go and let God. 

Pray for bravery and discernment for your situations and watch what God does with your faith.  “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”   Romans 8:28 

The Front Porch

If you have ever read a classic novel (or took Mrs. Harris' ninth grade English class) then you understand metaphors and foreshadowing.   In my favorite book, "A Tale of Two Cities", the wine spilling into the streets foreshadowed the blood that would be shed during the revolution.   Recognizing the configuration of events requires attention to detail and the ability to tie together pieces of the story, which brings me to my porch.

My mother and I wanted a gorgeous, banister style porch along the front length of the house.  For my mom, it was her dream from the time I was born and she and my father took over the house from Gigi.  Mom wanted  a place where we would be able to sit, be cool, and enjoy coffee with the family.  My dad never got around to building the porch so, when my ex-husband wanted to build it, my mom and I were ecstatic.  A dream come true.  After $2,000 and one weekend of hard-work, the porch was up.  Crisp, clean, bright white, and shady with high back rocking chairs and glasses of iced tea. It was beautiful.

Well, it looked beautiful.  Less than ten years later it's falling apart.   The porch is structurally inept, made with all the wrong parts, and costing double to repair.  As I stood there today and listened to the roofing contractor lay out the cost and workload, I was flooded with emotion.   I choked on the words to approve the work.  This porch was a metaphor for my marriage and it's demise was foreshadowed in the very construction of each railing.  My marriage seemed appealing to the eye but, in eight short years, it was structurally inept, built on a shaky foundation, and cost double from which to recover.  I remember listing my debts in the divorce hearing and, knowing his half would never be paid, was forced to take on the additional portion to keep myself out of legal trouble and financial ruin.  Knowing I'm already paying double my share makes the cost to repair the porch a little harder pill to swallow.  But, it's not about money.

Many people were surprised when they heard I was getting divorced.  More than once I was told by shocked friends "but you all looked so happy" and "he's so fun".    As to why, some people know the general reasons, my closest friends know the majority of the truth, and I keep a few secrets to myself.  The ability to make everything look good from the outside is an art that I mastered long ago.  Appearances are everything, just like curb appeal of the porch.  It looks great but it's hard to believe it stood as long as it did.

I wasn't paying attention to the details.  I saw each indicator individually however, I wanted to believe things would improve and that my gut feelings had to be wrong.  They weren't.  In fact, in the end, it was worse than my suspicious mind could even conjure. I ignored the warnings and persevered while smiling and putting out fires.   Standing under the porch today and surveying the truth, the moments of foreshadowing became clear.   It was too heavy a weight to bear so I gave it to the Lord.

Like the porch I will stand, even though repairs are needed.  I come before God each morning and thank Him for allowing me another day.  No matter the cost, I will continue to nurture the ground upon which I'm planted.  I'm grateful for each lesson.

Grace and Curse Words

When I walked outside this morning there was a brisk east wind rustling the leaves.  Ever since I was a child I have loved the days when the wind shifts.  Maybe I've watched Mary Poppins too many times and I'm hoping for something magical to happen or maybe it's that the east wind actually smells different but, either way, it's a momentary change in the usual pattern. 


Disruption of our patterns can be as equally devastating as they are necessary.  Change helps us create a blend that somehow becomes the next normal by showing us a new way of doing things while still reminding us that our old way was not completely terrible.  During these changes is where I feel God's grace in my life.  I may not see it in the moment but, in a few hours or days, I can see what God was trying to tell me. 


My devotional this morning was regarding how we should pray to have moments of peace and thank God in all circumstances, even when things are going wrong.  I know this in my head, but my reaction is a different story (I love Jesus but I cuss a little...irreverent but accurate).  God has to send a lot more grace than peace my way during those moments. 


In the choirs of angels stands my Gigi with her quiet demeanor watching down over her family and smiling.  Usually.  There are the days I pray that she is standing next to Hitler's grandmother and, as Gigi watches her granddaughter's behavior, Grandma Hitler reassures her "eh, that ain't nothing".   Insert Gigi cringe worthy moment #672.  Yesterday morning (5:30am) I was getting my things together to leave for work.  In my haste and frustration, I dropped my frozen breakfast sandwich on the floor.  I quickly bent down to pick it up and I smacked the center of my forehead on the back corner of a sturdy wooden chair.  I stood up, filled with hatred for the chair, hurled my breakfast sandwich into my lunch bag with the speed of a pitch by the Blue Jays' Aaron Sanchez, while hollering "MOTHER F@&*$%*&r", as the bag on my sandwich pops open.  Ooooh.  Pretty.  I hope Gigi was watching one of my other cousins right then. 


I know I need to change the way I react; I'm a 0 to 80 kind of gal.  I need to rely less on God's grace for those moments  and instead seek His peace throughout the day to avoid those disasters altogether.  Changing our behavior requires diligence and we need to remain in constant prayer in order for that to occur. 


As the east wind blew this morning, I see the trees bending and creaking the opposite direction, the sand banking out a new path, and the clean smell of something good swirling about.  I only had a quick moment but it was peaceful.  Thank you, Jesus, for giving me your strength and for opening my heart to recognize reminders that appear in ways that must be felt, not simply seen. 

The Ultimate Break Up

Every time someone tells me they are getting divorced, I cry.  You may be thinking from your comfy non-broken up, chair "That's dumb.  It's not her problem. Why would she cry?"  but we are so flippant about it all.  Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce so you roll your dice and take your chances, right?  If it were only so simple.



Some of us marry for what we think is love.  Some marry to have the dream wedding.  Some marry as to not be alone.  Whatever your reason, you took the plunge, it's over, and now what?  No matter the reasons why you divorced (infidelity, spouse's addiction problems, financial issues,  or pure, unadulterated hate) you, my friend, have just suffered a loss in your life that, if you do not grieve, it will destroy you.



No matter your feelings towards the other person or the things they may have done, it is still a loss.  You have had some sort of routine with this person for years and now every responsibility falls on you.  See, the thing with marriage is that you created a partnership with this person and your focus slowly zeroes in on them.  Friends fade away, hobbies get packed into tubs in the garage, and your favorite restaurant becomes a once a year treat.  No matter how hard you say this won't happen, it will, especially once kids arrive.  It's natural and it's not always a bad thing.  Your discussions change from dreams of far away places to "don't forget the dog food".  As long as things are running smooth, this life is comfortable and can be rewarding. You have a partner that helps you make decisions, a built-in date for parties, and an entourage for Saturday afternoon lunches and movies.

All of that is gone once the D word is thrown out there.  But I'm about to tell you something.  The ultimate break up isn't with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse.  It was with you and it happened a long time ago when you didn't even notice.  You made concessions for the other person and you settled for things that weren't your favorite, but got the job done.  You were too tired on Saturday mornings to cook the scrambled eggs he and the kids wanted plus the soft boiled egg you wanted, so you just made a pan of scrambled eggs.  You don't love scrambled eggs but you've eaten them every Saturday for eight years.  Pop quiz.  It's your first Saturday alone and what do you do?  I started to work the routine and then it hit me.  I can make whatever I want.  Freeing?  Nope.  I had no idea what I wanted so I cried at the overwhelmingness of it all then ate Del Taco (because that's where we go in Barstow when we don't know what else to eat....can I get an amen?).



I've been divorced for 21 months and sometimes I still forget that I don't need to cook for seven people nor am I required to consult with anyone to have lunch with a friend.  I have cried over the fact that I don't have a partner in this life but then the sound bytes of the past play in my head and I gratefully settle down to remember that God has a bigger plan for me.  God is my ultimate partner in this life. I stay focused on Him and my communion with His word; the grief becomes manageable and, some days, almost invisible.  It's called faith.


Allow yourself time to grieve each loss, no matter the type. Feel the sorrow.  Embrace the anger.  Push through the loneliness.   There is no cap on this time frame and, as long as you don't take up residency there, the tough moments will fade.  Don't be hard on yourself and know that you are not alone.  Not everyone will be honest about how tough some days can be, but I will. Facing the reality of today, no matter the circumstances, is the only way we make it through to see tomorrow.



Go find yourself; make a list of things you used to love and do them. Break out your bucket list and start to cross off the adventures, one by one.  If you find you don't love it, move on and enjoy the memory.  If you do love it, make it part of your routine.  Use this chance to reinvent yourself in all the ways you ever dreamed.  We've got this. 

A Smidgen of Faith

My divorce was final one year ago today.  Some people do not even know that I went through this long and, at times, frightening ordeal.  But whether you knew or not is irrelevant to this story and well, now you know.  What is relevant is what I have learned in the last year.  

There is a great big world out there.  Most people spend their whole lives trying to sink their teeth into a tiny piece.  The most important thing I learned is that this world wasn't meant for me.  God has much bigger plans for my life than trying to fit in with the current trends and, each day that I faithfully attempt to allow Christ to control my life, He shows me a better path.  I am not perfect and I fail often but I wake up each morning asking Jesus Christ to light my path and keep me away from temptations and evil.  Again, I fail every day.  I gossip, swear, and question my life at some point in every single day, sometimes more than once.  The point is, I am increasingly more aware of this and I turn my thoughts back to God as soon as I realize my mind has strayed.  

I was presented with many life lessons which were opportunities to trust God's Will for my life.  I was dumped, via the avoidance method, by a boyfriend who promised he would never leave me again.  I was betrayed most heinously by people who claimed to be my close friends.  I have cried on the floor next to a broken toilet, praying I would be able to figure out how to fix it.  I have filled out more legal paperwork than Johnny Cochran.  I was required to assume responsibility for an astronomical amount of debt that wasn't all mine.  I have sobbed hysterically over missing my parents.   I have thrown away dumpsters full of trash that at one time were considered treasures.  I have stood on a ladder at the edge of the roof, too panic-stricken to get down.  I have wondered if a Godly man exists who will be my helpmate or if I will be alone until my name is called. 

What I have not done is lost faith in God; my Creator who knows me better than anyone.  Who has a plan for these trials that I have endured.  The God who picked me up off the couch on days when I could not find a good enough reason to do anything other than simply lay there and watch another episode of the Pioneer Woman.  My Heavenly Father who, while painfully pruning so many branches in my life, tells me to wait a little longer.  No, I don't always understand why, but I trust and believe in His wisdom.  I have seen that self-pity is a sin and I don't want to be caught doing that when the Rapture happens (or the Zombie Apocalypse, whichever comes first).  

God said that if we have the faith of a mustard seed, we can move mountains.  My mother had a necklace full of mustard seeds that she used to wear as a reminder of the tiny bit of faith that is required of us. I still possess that necklace and look at it frequently.  I'm sure I don't even have that much faith but I purposefully practice at it each day.  

I will say that throughout everything I have had the support of the best friends in which anyone could hope.  I am grateful for each act of kindness (some have been above and beyond what should even be asked of another person) and for the times they stepped up to remind me that God is in control.  

Will I make it through today without a meltdown?  I don't know.  Will I make it through today?  Yup.  I sure will.  Maybe not super gracefully, but I will make it and I will thank my Heavenly Father for all that the day encompassed.  

Silence

I need to be quiet.  This world has become so loud with pride, lies, and self-centeredness that I had to make it stop; it was destroying my soul.  Watching new relationships build from ruins of a betrayal.    Listening to weak apologies that drip with guilt rather than true concession.   Hearing of what was promised to me be delivered to someone else.

I will work on being quiet until:  

• God gives me something of value to say
• My words are edifying to hear and sweet to say
• I can pray away my hurt and anger of all the broken promises
• I make myself realize that the brokenness of those promises was never about me but rather, the person who dared to utter them to me in the first place
• I don't compare myself with others
• I can truly appreciate the few feet of dry land and not focus on the dangerously close flooding
• My own actions match my words
• I can gracefully and consistently stand up and say things like "no, I'm not paying for that" instead of taking home the squished tomatoes 

I was always made to believe that not speaking out and just accepting what is handed, makes us strong.   That ability to silently adapt "even when I don't want to" somehow equalled strength.  Actuallly, I'm finding quite the opposite to be true.  It takes more strength to stand up and openly  recognize that "I can't do this anymore because it hurts me and I'm worth more than that".  

So, in the meantime, I'm here and ready to chat with those who want a personal relationship but  I will not subject myself to the desensitized fluff and filtered media happiness.  I will choose learning about myself and listening to what God truly wants for my life; allowing Him to correct and straighten my path.   I think it's a journey worth taking.   

Pennies Are Only Worth A Cent

This past weekend I had an incredible opportunity to have an emotional and tender conversation with a beautiful, long-lost friend of many years.  Come to find out, she has been through many of the same things I have in the past year so we were catching up about men, dating, being a single 40 something, and making ourselves a priority.  One main thread of conversation was dating; how can we feel good enough, how do we keep the contact going without compromising ourselves and our faith, and how do we compare to everything else that is out there.  We started talking about men and their contact with us; how they text good morning and good night every day for weeks, check in with us, and flirt, then BAM.  Gone.  Poof.  Just like that.   Vanished with no goodbye or explanation.  I said to her "Oh, he found a shinier penny."  I will never forget, as she looked up at me at that moment, how her green eyes widened with clarity, realization, and wonder.  She said "yes".

One of my lifelong best friends, Katie, coined that phrase.  It's when something or someone seemingly more interesting catches the man's attention and he transitions from daily "thinking about you" texts and phone calls into virtually nothing. He didn't change his level of contact with you for no reason; he found a shinier penny.  Sometimes she seems prettier or nicer and sometimes she just tells him how handsome he is and he's attracted to that.  Either way, we become yesterday's headline.

Sadly, we are not always let in on that little secret, so we continue our end of the 'relationship', texting and calling, and they act like we are clingy and bothering them.  We get sparse messages in return telling us they're busy or they have to go, if they even bother to answer at all.   In most cases, it's for our benefit because, if he can be swayed that easily, he's not the one.  But it still hurts.  Sometimes you've loved him for a long time and sometimes you've just met, but either way it still makes us wonder what is wrong with us and why we were not even worth a "Dear Jane" text or other explanation.  The answer is nothing.  There is nothing wrong with us.  He's not the one and we should appreciate the shinier penny coming along and distracting him so we can seek out what is truly meant for our lives.  Unfortunately,  we don't always see it that way when our hearts are involved.  We try to hold on and make things work with someone who clearly doesn't want to be around us anymore.

All I can say is, know your worth and let the shinier penny have him.  There is a big, big world out there full of new and exciting things and, I believe with my whole heart, someone who will think we are the best silver dollar he's ever seen.