Death by Chocolate; Confessions of a Fat, Selfish Girl

I have never really thought of myself as selfish.  My friends and family tell me all the time that I am very giving and I was happy with that.  I was taught in Kindergarten and in Sunday School to share and do for others, so, in my mind, I was just following the rules.  Rules are comfortable.  I have always felt that as long as I am doing for others, it doesn’t matter what I do to myself because, in the end, giving was what mattered.  On my mom’s side of the family, being a self-sacrificing martyr is the name of the game. There hasn’t been a selfish girl in the bunch; until me.

My family loves me and I love them, no matter what.  It doesn’t matter what kind of moronic thing they do or say, we are related and that counts for everything.  I say things that hurt them and they say things that anger me, but in the end, it’s all family and that’s that.  But my friends, oh, that is a different story.  At some point in the course of our lives, I fell in love with them and they fell in love with me.  We chose each other; whether it was just a few years ago over a Jafra book or a 9-1-1 training manual or whether it has been since second grade Sunday School over a ceramic roller skate, we ended up friends.  I don’t mean friendly folks we give a hug and say hi to in Walmart; I mean deep friendships.  People who know my darkest secrets and who would never tell out of respect (and fear) for what I know and could tell about them. 

And here is where the selfish girl thrives.  No, I’ve not missed birthdays or bridal showers or candle parties.  I’ve been to them all and have the credit card bills to prove it.  No, this is much deeper.  In my quest to be self-sacrificing above all things, I have been selfish.  I realized that two nights ago walking with my dear friend.  I had just left a Weight Watchers meeting and we went for a walk.  I confessed to her that I had gained 22 pounds since March.  I happened to look up at her face when I said this and there it was; hurt.  She was so hurt.  Hurt that I didn’t take the time for myself.  Hurt that I can’t get control.  Hurt that everyone else around me has what they need, yet I have suffered.  Hurt that of all the things I CAN do, that I’m not able to do this.  She didn’t have to say a word because 25 years of friendship said it all. 

 In my quest for following the rules, I have not done for myself because I felt that would be selfish to use my time for me and thinking that I could do whatever I wanted to myself because it didn’t matter.  I didn’t matter.  I didn’t matter enough to spend 30 minutes at the gym or 1 hour weighing in and going to a meeting.  I wasn’t hurting anyone else by eating that cake, drinking 2 liters of Pepsi or stopping through Del Taco.   I wasn’t committing murder or stealing anything, right?  And this is where I went wrong.  How selfish of me to take time off my life by being so overweight and cutting our friendships short?  How selfish of me to not physically be able to go with my friends to do things they want to do like run marathons or go skiing?  How selfish of me to not take care of myself after all the care they gave me during the times in my life that I had been so sick that I couldn’t wash my own hair or put on my own socks?  I’m the worst kind of selfish; not just because I was behaving that way to the people that I love the most but because I didn’t even know. 

I have been so consumed with what I could do for everyone else that I have neglected my responsibilities as a daughter, wife, mother and friend by not taking care of myself. My friends have said it to me over and over again that “what good would I do my family from a hospital bed”?  It never really sank in until I saw the hurt on my dear friend’s face.  Maybe I had seen that look before on other friends and chose to ignore it.  Maybe I was finally receptive to it this time.  I really don’t know.  I don’t really think that it matters.  What matters is what I do with tomorrow. 

Dear Abby

When I was a young teen, I was obsessed with reading Dear Abby, Dr. Gott and my horoscope in the Desert Dispatch newspaper.  I learned what my day was going to be like, how to handle future in-laws and what to do for gout all in one news page. For someone as nosey as me it was all the best advice wrapped up into one satisfying little bundle.  In fact, if I had to miss a day of reading, I would find the missing paper to see if there was anything I needed to know and if my horoscope came true. 

One day while reading Dear Abby, she posted a poem that, per the article, was written by "Anonymous" and had no title.  She was giving advice to someone who, honestly, I can't quite remember what their problem was, but it was the perfect answer, as usual.  I clipped that poem and carried it around with me for years; all through high school, college and beyond.  It was never not tacked on a bulletin board in my office or on my refrigerator.  The clipping was worn and faded, but loved.  In my single 20's, I typed it up on nice paper and framed it for a few friends who I thought would love the message as well.  I don't know if they still have it, but I know I do.  I bring it out from time to time to remind me of how I felt in those days and really, how the poem still applies.  It's comforting in some ways to know that, even while I still have some of the same fears of when I was 20-something, I am better equipped to handle them and I am able to hold my head up and move froward when things go wrong.

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman not the grief of a child 
And you learn to build all your roads on today 
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans 
And futures have a way of falling down in mid flight 
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much 
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure that you are really strong
And you really do have worth with every good bye you learn."
 
In researching the poem, I have seen a few people it has been giving credit to and I've seen a few different versions and languages but the one Dear Abby posted over 20 years ago was perfect for me.

Just Desserts?

We all have dreamed of the day where someone who has wronged us will get what they deserve and we say things like "boy, if I could be a fly on the wall".  Seemingly, even better would be if we, could get back at this person ourselves for all they have done to us.  We would start thinking about the hurt, humiliation, time or money they have caused us and we start to drool at the thought of being vindicated on some grand cosmic scale and that, somehow, all would be right with the world again. Ah, the boy from third grade (Eric B., you know who you are) that kicked me in the shins in front of all the kids on the play ground; the girl my freshman year who hit me in the face with a basketball because she thought me saying "hi" to her boyfriend meant I wanted to marry him; the date that decided not to show up because something "better" came along.  It's human nature.

I believe that most of us resist and do not act on that temptation to seek revenge.  We think about those pesky little details like laws, jail time, karmic retribution or whatever we are currently believing in.  We know that revenge is best served cold, but we are content to let someone else, at some later point, dish it up.  In our mind we know this person is so dumb they will inevitably do something even worse to someone else and they will "get them" for me.  Clears my conscience, right? 

But, here is the tough question; what if a person who has wronged you in the past has created a problem that puts you in a situation where your actions could be perceived as revenge against them?  What if they have told a lie or otherwise caused harm to another and you hold a key to the truth?

Websters defines the following:

• Revenge - to exact punishment or expiation for a wrong on behalf of, especially in a resentful or vindictive spirit. 
• Vengeance - infliction of injury, humiliation or the like on a person by another who has been harmed by that person.

I read that revenge, as well as vengeance, are action words; exacting and inflicting.  They require you to go out with purpose and meaning to fulfill the retribution.  Does that mean we are off the hook if we do not act?

The Bible states the following:

• "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written, "It is mine to avenge, I will repay" says the Lord."  Romans 12:9
• "Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people but love your neighbor as yourself .  I am the Lord." Leviticus 19:18

The Bible is very clear that we are not to act, or even think, about revenge.  The Lord states that revenge is His and His alone. So how do we vindicate the current situation without giving off the stench of revenge?  The answer is Integrity.

Webster defines integrity as:

• adhere to moral and ethical principals

The Bible says:

• "May integrity and uprightness protect me because my hope is in You".  Psalms 25:21
• "I know, my God, that you test the heart and are pleased with integrity.  All these things have I given willingly and with honest intent."  1 Chronicles 29:17  (from the David's Prayer)

If we lead an ethical and moral daily life, praying for those who trespass against us, not holding other grudges along the way, our integrity will speak for us.  I have come before God and asked him to show me a clean heart and not allow revenge to enter my mind.   I ask God that only the truth be revealed and not other juicy bits that would give me pleasure to repeat. I have asked for forgiveness from my Lord and I forgive those who have asked for it from me. I would not want for other people to witness my day of retribution and I pray hard to not want to witness theirs.  At times I even ask for God to spare them because I suppose, I hope, that someone would want to do the same for me.

Suck it up, Buttercup!

Suck it up, Buttercup!  Ah, one of my most favorite phrases next to "you're an idiot" and "be a man, rub dirt on it".  I will be completely honest and say that I have zero tolerance for people who simply can not step up to the plate for the greater good.  You know who they are; the worker who calls in sick for a week for a paper cut and the clerk who, while scanning your purchases, complains about how hard their life is and that they haven't had a 10 minute break in two hours (uh, newsflash at least you have a job).  I'm sure you get the idea and can name many, many more. 

See, the problem is, that I look at my life and the lives of my close friends and I see a group of people who balance a varied combination of work, kids, school, higher education, church, volunteer activities, health issues, care giver responsibilities, financial problems, and any other given emergency that comes along, all while throwing $10 or 10 minutes at a 'cause' and maintaining somewhat of a smile while doing it.  These are the people I choose to be around because they are like me, which is energizing and convenient because there are no explanations necessary.  I then look at others who have, seemingly, very little responsibility and, when they complain, I think "Suck it up, Buttercup!  You have no clue what it's like to be busy". 

But then the other day it hit me.  If God only gives us what we can handle then what if that IS all they can handle?  What if God has them stretched to their limit even though, to us, their limit is a perceived teaspoon of water compared to the floods of our lives?  Maybe the woman who only has her husband and a restaurant meal to deal with today is handling all she can?  Maybe getting up for a 4 hour shift at a grocery store is all that man is capable of?

With this realization, I am determined to be less judgemental and more grateful that God trusts me so much and that I will continue to pray that He mold me and stretch me into the person He wants me to be.  I can't imagine not asking for more from God in the way of responsibility because with doing work in His name comes blessings.  I can honestly say, I have seen some incredible things along the way. It humbles me that God continues to bless me and give me more than I, at times, want to handle but I trust that He will guide me through.  I am grateful to be able to see that God has a bigger plan for my life and, even though I don't know what that plan is, I know that He will push me through to the next level. 

And no, I probably will not stop yelling "Be a man, rub dirt on it!  You're not bleeding!" to my kids out on the football field or baseball diamond, but I want them to know that since God brought them to this, He can get them trough this. 

When did NO become not enough?

I have never attempted to blog so I think this will be therapeutic.  The World According to Ruthie is just that; my thoughts and opinions based on my experiences, what I've seen and read, and sometimes on nothing concrete at all.  Does it have to be?

I have been frustrated with this lately, not within my circle of family and friends, but with outsiders who somehow think they are entitled.  When did NO become not enough of a reason?  I have struggled my whole life with saying NO; no to another piece of pie, no to a dinner with an acquaintance that I was utterly too exhausted to attend, no to the telemarketer who called and woke me up.  Did I not say no because I was afraid I was going to miss something?  Or that someone would be mad at me?  Or did I say no and was somehow convinced why that wasn't the right answer?  Or did I feel bad that the poor little caller wouldn't make their quota for the night?

Any way you look at it, no is not a respectable answer in our world.  We are pushed everywhere we go for more time, more money, more stuff and our plates are spilling over to the point where we don't do anything well or with a joyful heart.  Why can't we just say "no, I don't want that car wax" and move along without being followed to our car by a salesman?  Or say no to volunteer for yet another activity without being pressured to feel, either by myself (that's a whole other blog) or another, that I'm not doing 'enough'?  Why is it that when we offer someone something and they say "No thank you, but I appreciate your offer" that we someone how feel our offer wasn't good enough? 

We shouldn't have to explain our every move to every person we have ever met, including complete strangers, just to justify our NO's.  They don't need to know why we don't want the extra insurance or why we can't buy the raffle ticket this week, but we, as a society, have forced the question "why" so often that we feel like, without explaining ourselves into circles, we aren't possible giving enough reason for our NO.  How about just NO (or, no thank you) and leave it at that?  Why can't we say NO, mean it and have others believe us?  Why can't others take our NO as a positive for 'not now' rather than a negative for 'never, ever'?  I'm not saying NO to your magazine forever; just for today.  Next week, though, who knows?