Dear Abby

When I was a young teen, I was obsessed with reading Dear Abby, Dr. Gott and my horoscope in the Desert Dispatch newspaper.  I learned what my day was going to be like, how to handle future in-laws and what to do for gout all in one news page. For someone as nosey as me it was all the best advice wrapped up into one satisfying little bundle.  In fact, if I had to miss a day of reading, I would find the missing paper to see if there was anything I needed to know and if my horoscope came true. 

One day while reading Dear Abby, she posted a poem that, per the article, was written by "Anonymous" and had no title.  She was giving advice to someone who, honestly, I can't quite remember what their problem was, but it was the perfect answer, as usual.  I clipped that poem and carried it around with me for years; all through high school, college and beyond.  It was never not tacked on a bulletin board in my office or on my refrigerator.  The clipping was worn and faded, but loved.  In my single 20's, I typed it up on nice paper and framed it for a few friends who I thought would love the message as well.  I don't know if they still have it, but I know I do.  I bring it out from time to time to remind me of how I felt in those days and really, how the poem still applies.  It's comforting in some ways to know that, even while I still have some of the same fears of when I was 20-something, I am better equipped to handle them and I am able to hold my head up and move froward when things go wrong.

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman not the grief of a child 
And you learn to build all your roads on today 
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans 
And futures have a way of falling down in mid flight 
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much 
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure that you are really strong
And you really do have worth with every good bye you learn."
 
In researching the poem, I have seen a few people it has been giving credit to and I've seen a few different versions and languages but the one Dear Abby posted over 20 years ago was perfect for me.

Just Desserts?

We all have dreamed of the day where someone who has wronged us will get what they deserve and we say things like "boy, if I could be a fly on the wall".  Seemingly, even better would be if we, could get back at this person ourselves for all they have done to us.  We would start thinking about the hurt, humiliation, time or money they have caused us and we start to drool at the thought of being vindicated on some grand cosmic scale and that, somehow, all would be right with the world again. Ah, the boy from third grade (Eric B., you know who you are) that kicked me in the shins in front of all the kids on the play ground; the girl my freshman year who hit me in the face with a basketball because she thought me saying "hi" to her boyfriend meant I wanted to marry him; the date that decided not to show up because something "better" came along.  It's human nature.

I believe that most of us resist and do not act on that temptation to seek revenge.  We think about those pesky little details like laws, jail time, karmic retribution or whatever we are currently believing in.  We know that revenge is best served cold, but we are content to let someone else, at some later point, dish it up.  In our mind we know this person is so dumb they will inevitably do something even worse to someone else and they will "get them" for me.  Clears my conscience, right? 

But, here is the tough question; what if a person who has wronged you in the past has created a problem that puts you in a situation where your actions could be perceived as revenge against them?  What if they have told a lie or otherwise caused harm to another and you hold a key to the truth?

Websters defines the following:

• Revenge - to exact punishment or expiation for a wrong on behalf of, especially in a resentful or vindictive spirit. 
• Vengeance - infliction of injury, humiliation or the like on a person by another who has been harmed by that person.

I read that revenge, as well as vengeance, are action words; exacting and inflicting.  They require you to go out with purpose and meaning to fulfill the retribution.  Does that mean we are off the hook if we do not act?

The Bible states the following:

• "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written, "It is mine to avenge, I will repay" says the Lord."  Romans 12:9
• "Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people but love your neighbor as yourself .  I am the Lord." Leviticus 19:18

The Bible is very clear that we are not to act, or even think, about revenge.  The Lord states that revenge is His and His alone. So how do we vindicate the current situation without giving off the stench of revenge?  The answer is Integrity.

Webster defines integrity as:

• adhere to moral and ethical principals

The Bible says:

• "May integrity and uprightness protect me because my hope is in You".  Psalms 25:21
• "I know, my God, that you test the heart and are pleased with integrity.  All these things have I given willingly and with honest intent."  1 Chronicles 29:17  (from the David's Prayer)

If we lead an ethical and moral daily life, praying for those who trespass against us, not holding other grudges along the way, our integrity will speak for us.  I have come before God and asked him to show me a clean heart and not allow revenge to enter my mind.   I ask God that only the truth be revealed and not other juicy bits that would give me pleasure to repeat. I have asked for forgiveness from my Lord and I forgive those who have asked for it from me. I would not want for other people to witness my day of retribution and I pray hard to not want to witness theirs.  At times I even ask for God to spare them because I suppose, I hope, that someone would want to do the same for me.