Silence

I need to be quiet.  This world has become so loud with pride, lies, and self-centeredness that I had to make it stop; it was destroying my soul.  Watching new relationships build from ruins of a betrayal.    Listening to weak apologies that drip with guilt rather than true concession.   Hearing of what was promised to me be delivered to someone else.

I will work on being quiet until:  

• God gives me something of value to say
• My words are edifying to hear and sweet to say
• I can pray away my hurt and anger of all the broken promises
• I make myself realize that the brokenness of those promises was never about me but rather, the person who dared to utter them to me in the first place
• I don't compare myself with others
• I can truly appreciate the few feet of dry land and not focus on the dangerously close flooding
• My own actions match my words
• I can gracefully and consistently stand up and say things like "no, I'm not paying for that" instead of taking home the squished tomatoes 

I was always made to believe that not speaking out and just accepting what is handed, makes us strong.   That ability to silently adapt "even when I don't want to" somehow equalled strength.  Actuallly, I'm finding quite the opposite to be true.  It takes more strength to stand up and openly  recognize that "I can't do this anymore because it hurts me and I'm worth more than that".  

So, in the meantime, I'm here and ready to chat with those who want a personal relationship but  I will not subject myself to the desensitized fluff and filtered media happiness.  I will choose learning about myself and listening to what God truly wants for my life; allowing Him to correct and straighten my path.   I think it's a journey worth taking.   

Pennies Are Only Worth A Cent

This past weekend I had an incredible opportunity to have an emotional and tender conversation with a beautiful, long-lost friend of many years.  Come to find out, she has been through many of the same things I have in the past year so we were catching up about men, dating, being a single 40 something, and making ourselves a priority.  One main thread of conversation was dating; how can we feel good enough, how do we keep the contact going without compromising ourselves and our faith, and how do we compare to everything else that is out there.  We started talking about men and their contact with us; how they text good morning and good night every day for weeks, check in with us, and flirt, then BAM.  Gone.  Poof.  Just like that.   Vanished with no goodbye or explanation.  I said to her "Oh, he found a shinier penny."  I will never forget, as she looked up at me at that moment, how her green eyes widened with clarity, realization, and wonder.  She said "yes".

One of my lifelong best friends, Katie, coined that phrase.  It's when something or someone seemingly more interesting catches the man's attention and he transitions from daily "thinking about you" texts and phone calls into virtually nothing. He didn't change his level of contact with you for no reason; he found a shinier penny.  Sometimes she seems prettier or nicer and sometimes she just tells him how handsome he is and he's attracted to that.  Either way, we become yesterday's headline.

Sadly, we are not always let in on that little secret, so we continue our end of the 'relationship', texting and calling, and they act like we are clingy and bothering them.  We get sparse messages in return telling us they're busy or they have to go, if they even bother to answer at all.   In most cases, it's for our benefit because, if he can be swayed that easily, he's not the one.  But it still hurts.  Sometimes you've loved him for a long time and sometimes you've just met, but either way it still makes us wonder what is wrong with us and why we were not even worth a "Dear Jane" text or other explanation.  The answer is nothing.  There is nothing wrong with us.  He's not the one and we should appreciate the shinier penny coming along and distracting him so we can seek out what is truly meant for our lives.  Unfortunately,  we don't always see it that way when our hearts are involved.  We try to hold on and make things work with someone who clearly doesn't want to be around us anymore.

All I can say is, know your worth and let the shinier penny have him.  There is a big, big world out there full of new and exciting things and, I believe with my whole heart, someone who will think we are the best silver dollar he's ever seen.

Dear Head...bite me....love, Heart

I don't know really where to begin today.  My heart and head struggle to the point that I feel like I'm losing my mind some days.  My heart relishes in a quiet contentment knowing I'm actually thriving in the life I'm supposed to be living.  My head, however, is a different story.  My thoughts swim with curiosity and envy wondering why everyone else seems so happy and why can't I have that too?  Is it even real?  Do people manipulate their happiness so that it shows only when everyone can see?

My friends all seem to be making positive, major life changes.   (Please don't misinterpret the fact that I'm over the moon happy for each and every one of them and I'd do anything to help make their dreams come true.)  These friends are moving in with their significant other, getting married, having babies, moving to new cities, and buying houses, cars, and boats. In my head I think, well, I'm still breathing so is that my accomplishment for the day?  Is that all I get?  Breathing?  Nothing fancy?  Just breathing?

Yet my heart reminds my head that I am set aside on a different path and none of those things are currently part of my journey.  My road is less travelled and not always popular.  Sometimes I walk it alone and sometimes I turn to see that I have a friend who loves me holding my hand for a few miles, and it's nice.  It's still my road and my journey.  It's taking me somewhere amazing, I'm sure of it.  God didn't spare my life 14 years ago to let me be miserable and I have to embrace that truth with my whole heart.  I want to be the best I can be in this life.  I want to fiercely love every inch of the lives lived by those closest to me and to learn to be kind to the others that I have, up to this point, just tolerated.    I want to be better than I was yesterday and, to be truthful, some days that's pretty easy.

I don't know why at my young age God has taken so many away from me only to leave me standing to face all the music for the first time in my life.   Some days that music is the light and airy  Tchaikovsky "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies" and other days it's the heavy and dark Chopin Piano Sonata Number 2 Opus 35 (commonly known as the "Funeral March").   I have always played in the band, going with the flow, however lately I seem to have become the conductor, setting the tempo and cueing the cymbals.

There are many things in the world that are beautiful; things created so perfectly that they didn't just happen.  They were put there for us to see and recognize.  With this new, quiet heart I'm seeing many of those things and that makes me happy.

It's simply not my time for what everyone else has and I have got to make my head understand that it's my time for something else instead.  What exactly, I'm not sure.  Maybe a time to focus my eyes on God instead of the covetous goods of this world?  No.  Not maybe.  For sure.  

Alone?

   One Saturday night a few weeks ago, I found myself alone.  Soul crushingly alone.  I couldn't breathe at the realization.  All of my bests, including my youngest kid Jacob,  were busy, out of town, or with their significant others and families   It honestly did not matter what anyone else was doing with their life, it just didn't involve me that evening.  I came to the realization that I was going to have to learn to entertain myself.  GASP (picture my hand dramatically on my forehead).   The problem, however, is not entertainment, it is contentment.

     I was married for eight years and, during that time, my mother, my mother in law, my brother, and a family friend all lived with me and my already large family of five.  There was no shortage of entertainment and conversation.  In fact, I used to hope for small moments alone to pray, text a friend, or just collect my thoughts.  When I filed for divorce, I knew things would change and I was looking forward to some peace from my crazy situation, so the thought of being alone was enticing.  As many of you know, I did not get married until I was 32 years old and, with the exception of a great two-year relationship, I spent the majority of that as a single girl.  I thought...I can do that again, no problem.

     Well, there is a problem.  I am different now.  I did not realize how much being part of a constant family filled in all the holes that I did not even know were missing.  Let me reiterate that I don't miss my situation at all; I just have to readjust my thoughts towards having built-in companions.

     What is also very different is my mother is gone.  She was always my first go to for everything in this life.  I called her first with my joys, sorrows, annoyances, and happiness.  The truth is, at times I almost avoid talking to people that I anticipate may talk about my mom because I miss her so much.  I have somehow twistedly opted for loneliness over potential sadness.  (If you have seen the movie "Inside Out" you would completely understand the need for sadness' role in our lives.)  In my mind somehow that makes sense but in reality, listening to people tell me how much they loved my parents makes me smile in my heart.  They were good, fun people. 

     Some days, I get so anxious about feelings that I think being alone is the best option but somehow, God always knows which friend or family member to call to action and they send me a text or call.  Once I'm off the phone with them, I have forgotten about whatever problem was consuming me just minutes before and I sail on through the day.  I need to remember that I can pick up that phone as well because I can guarantee someone else in my circle feels the same way I do that day and just will not say it.

     If it wasn't for God and my best friends, this last year would have been a complete disaster.  I'm not saying it was perfect, but it's had so many amazing moments.  I've learned to stand up for myself, tell people how I feel (not often as gracefully as I'd like), how to be quiet, and when to make myself heard.  I've learned who my true friends are and made a few new ones along the way.

     My Bible reading today was about balance (does God know me or what?).  The reading talked about balancing softness and anger; how to not be aggressive but not be a doormat either.  I started looking at the emotional extremes in my life and the main issue that came to mind was loneliness versus constant contact.   I have to find that balance. I need to be in love with my friends but also love the quiet whir of my sewing machine.  I need to love the visions of my wild imagination while reading a good book as much as I love the sound of a text ringing from one of my bests.

     I don't feel sorry for myself.  I feel that God gives me these emotions along with the tools to deal with them.  It's up to me to use those tools.  He never leaves me so, despite my dramatic forehead slap, I am never really alone.  I love that.

On the Contrary

     I still wonder if I'm "enough" most days.  I can't be anything other than me and, considering what I've been through, some days that probably isn't much.  I'm still a little angry, which actually means that I'm hurt, scared, intimidated, and overwhelmed; but I'm not going to tell you that.  Standing up for myself took a toll on my heart in more ways than one and finding the balance of who I'm supposed to be has not been an easy task.  I'm still trying to figure it all out and I'm sorry, but I'm not perfect.  I'm not even on the scale of "good" most days. But, if you let me, I will try hard for you. 


    
     However, I have also come to realize that in the grand scheme of life, nothing actually matters other than the way we love each other.  People matter, things do not.  If I want Chinese food for dinner, but none of my friends do, then I either choose to go where they want to go or I go alone for Chinese dinner.  It. Doesn't. Matter.  Will my life be changed by this one dinner decision?  Will me getting upset change their mind?  No.  Not at all.  It doesn't matter.  That's not cynical, that's reality.  We move on from it along with all of the other broken dreams, empty promises, and things that will never be.  Do those little things still sting?  Yes.  Horribly.  Do we let them control us?  We had better not. 


    
     I find my life is different in so many ways.  I don't completely know who I am, but I'm trying to seek it out as an adventure.  I hope that none of it's bad, but it's a new concept to some people and not all of them are handling it well.   I'm not sure that I'm handling it well either, but I realize that I don't fit into a box anymore.  See, the beauty of it all is that I'm learning that I don't have to choose.  I don't have to be just one thing.  


     I believe in Jesus. I know the devil is real.   I'm not afraid to die. I love my friends.  I adore diamonds, bullets, expensive leather purses, even more expensive guns, rubber watches, $20 hand cream, $6 mascara, mud, and clean sheets.  I can smell like gunpowder, dirt, and fancy perfume all at the same time.   I love a hard working man and I will drop what I'm doing to make him a hot dinner.  He should bring me flowers for that reason alone.  I have my times where I'm tough and independent because I have to be, but I'd rather be baking cookies and sewing.  I know how to fix my sink and repair drywall yet I put bandaids on my all boys' wounds (my cops and my kids).    I'm not always sweet as pie but when I love you and choose to spend time with you, I mean it.  I was raised to be someone's wife yet I have no husband.  Who knows if I ever will again.  Will I lose sleep over it?  The old me would have but, today, I just can't.   


     My life is a contradiction at its finest.  I try to love every day of it and I'm grateful for the chance to be me.  Whatever that means today.   

Enough

Enough is quantitative, yet somehow not representative of a number.  Enough food, enough sleep, enough money; just plain enough.  It signals both our wit's end and when we are satisfied with what we have.   Do we ever have enough?  Can we ever be enough? 

Being enough is a lot of pressure (I am the queen in charge of that constraint).  Are we good enough in our work?  Attractive enough for the person we like?  Enough of a friend to those we love?  Do we do enough for others?  Do we let them do enough for us?  I think, in general, we like to believe we are.  We do our best and if that's not good enough we think, well, they can do it themselves, right?  

If it were only so easy.  Where the hurt comes is when you realize that you are no longer enough and something else has edged in.  Let me make this one thing very clear;  I am not speaking of people.  If you have feelings for someone and they don't share those same feelings, let them go.   Let them be free to be happy in whatever way 'happy' works for them.   I refuse to compete with another woman for a man's heart because  a) I will never win and b) it is pointless and incredibly  damaging to the very core of who I am.  I was not put on this earth to hold on to people like possessions or participate in some game of romance that I obviously don't understand; I am here to simply love and care for each person in my life, in whatever capacity I am allowed and able.  

To me, the hurt of enough that I am speaking of, occurs when things and habits take priority; when I  became somehow 'lesser' to drugs, alcohol, cars, money, a lifestyle - really, anything.  I have learned that I can not  compete with the attractive things of this world.   I can't make myself more desirable than money, more interesting than the things on internet, more addicting than drugs, more thrilling than gambling, or more soothing than a good glass of whiskey. I can't and I won't even make the attempt.  However, it still doesn't hurt any less.  It's tough knowing that those things, in essence, won the attention of someone in our life and changed every thing that we understood to be true.   To, in all honesty,  be tangibly shown that we weren't enough.  Most of the time, these things creep in over years, decades even, and we don't realize it's happened until things are too deep.  When you realize it, get out....for your own safety and sanity, if no other reason.  

One day, I hope to have a relationship that is enough; one where the things of the world would never be held to a higher esteem than I.   I hope to be enough for the friends I love and who love me in return.  I do realize that before I can be enough for someone else, I have to first be enough for myself.  I have to be strong and fearless yet still tender and loving to those who deserve it.   For today, my baby steps will have to be enough.