On the Contrary

     I still wonder if I'm "enough" most days.  I can't be anything other than me and, considering what I've been through, some days that probably isn't much.  I'm still a little angry, which actually means that I'm hurt, scared, intimidated, and overwhelmed; but I'm not going to tell you that.  Standing up for myself took a toll on my heart in more ways than one and finding the balance of who I'm supposed to be has not been an easy task.  I'm still trying to figure it all out and I'm sorry, but I'm not perfect.  I'm not even on the scale of "good" most days. But, if you let me, I will try hard for you. 


    
     However, I have also come to realize that in the grand scheme of life, nothing actually matters other than the way we love each other.  People matter, things do not.  If I want Chinese food for dinner, but none of my friends do, then I either choose to go where they want to go or I go alone for Chinese dinner.  It. Doesn't. Matter.  Will my life be changed by this one dinner decision?  Will me getting upset change their mind?  No.  Not at all.  It doesn't matter.  That's not cynical, that's reality.  We move on from it along with all of the other broken dreams, empty promises, and things that will never be.  Do those little things still sting?  Yes.  Horribly.  Do we let them control us?  We had better not. 


    
     I find my life is different in so many ways.  I don't completely know who I am, but I'm trying to seek it out as an adventure.  I hope that none of it's bad, but it's a new concept to some people and not all of them are handling it well.   I'm not sure that I'm handling it well either, but I realize that I don't fit into a box anymore.  See, the beauty of it all is that I'm learning that I don't have to choose.  I don't have to be just one thing.  


     I believe in Jesus. I know the devil is real.   I'm not afraid to die. I love my friends.  I adore diamonds, bullets, expensive leather purses, even more expensive guns, rubber watches, $20 hand cream, $6 mascara, mud, and clean sheets.  I can smell like gunpowder, dirt, and fancy perfume all at the same time.   I love a hard working man and I will drop what I'm doing to make him a hot dinner.  He should bring me flowers for that reason alone.  I have my times where I'm tough and independent because I have to be, but I'd rather be baking cookies and sewing.  I know how to fix my sink and repair drywall yet I put bandaids on my all boys' wounds (my cops and my kids).    I'm not always sweet as pie but when I love you and choose to spend time with you, I mean it.  I was raised to be someone's wife yet I have no husband.  Who knows if I ever will again.  Will I lose sleep over it?  The old me would have but, today, I just can't.   


     My life is a contradiction at its finest.  I try to love every day of it and I'm grateful for the chance to be me.  Whatever that means today.