Grace and Curse Words

When I walked outside this morning there was a brisk east wind rustling the leaves.  Ever since I was a child I have loved the days when the wind shifts.  Maybe I've watched Mary Poppins too many times and I'm hoping for something magical to happen or maybe it's that the east wind actually smells different but, either way, it's a momentary change in the usual pattern. 


Disruption of our patterns can be as equally devastating as they are necessary.  Change helps us create a blend that somehow becomes the next normal by showing us a new way of doing things while still reminding us that our old way was not completely terrible.  During these changes is where I feel God's grace in my life.  I may not see it in the moment but, in a few hours or days, I can see what God was trying to tell me. 


My devotional this morning was regarding how we should pray to have moments of peace and thank God in all circumstances, even when things are going wrong.  I know this in my head, but my reaction is a different story (I love Jesus but I cuss a little...irreverent but accurate).  God has to send a lot more grace than peace my way during those moments. 


In the choirs of angels stands my Gigi with her quiet demeanor watching down over her family and smiling.  Usually.  There are the days I pray that she is standing next to Hitler's grandmother and, as Gigi watches her granddaughter's behavior, Grandma Hitler reassures her "eh, that ain't nothing".   Insert Gigi cringe worthy moment #672.  Yesterday morning (5:30am) I was getting my things together to leave for work.  In my haste and frustration, I dropped my frozen breakfast sandwich on the floor.  I quickly bent down to pick it up and I smacked the center of my forehead on the back corner of a sturdy wooden chair.  I stood up, filled with hatred for the chair, hurled my breakfast sandwich into my lunch bag with the speed of a pitch by the Blue Jays' Aaron Sanchez, while hollering "MOTHER F@&*$%*&r", as the bag on my sandwich pops open.  Ooooh.  Pretty.  I hope Gigi was watching one of my other cousins right then. 


I know I need to change the way I react; I'm a 0 to 80 kind of gal.  I need to rely less on God's grace for those moments  and instead seek His peace throughout the day to avoid those disasters altogether.  Changing our behavior requires diligence and we need to remain in constant prayer in order for that to occur. 


As the east wind blew this morning, I see the trees bending and creaking the opposite direction, the sand banking out a new path, and the clean smell of something good swirling about.  I only had a quick moment but it was peaceful.  Thank you, Jesus, for giving me your strength and for opening my heart to recognize reminders that appear in ways that must be felt, not simply seen. 

The Ultimate Break Up

Every time someone tells me they are getting divorced, I cry.  You may be thinking from your comfy non-broken up, chair "That's dumb.  It's not her problem. Why would she cry?"  but we are so flippant about it all.  Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce so you roll your dice and take your chances, right?  If it were only so simple.



Some of us marry for what we think is love.  Some marry to have the dream wedding.  Some marry as to not be alone.  Whatever your reason, you took the plunge, it's over, and now what?  No matter the reasons why you divorced (infidelity, spouse's addiction problems, financial issues,  or pure, unadulterated hate) you, my friend, have just suffered a loss in your life that, if you do not grieve, it will destroy you.



No matter your feelings towards the other person or the things they may have done, it is still a loss.  You have had some sort of routine with this person for years and now every responsibility falls on you.  See, the thing with marriage is that you created a partnership with this person and your focus slowly zeroes in on them.  Friends fade away, hobbies get packed into tubs in the garage, and your favorite restaurant becomes a once a year treat.  No matter how hard you say this won't happen, it will, especially once kids arrive.  It's natural and it's not always a bad thing.  Your discussions change from dreams of far away places to "don't forget the dog food".  As long as things are running smooth, this life is comfortable and can be rewarding. You have a partner that helps you make decisions, a built-in date for parties, and an entourage for Saturday afternoon lunches and movies.

All of that is gone once the D word is thrown out there.  But I'm about to tell you something.  The ultimate break up isn't with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse.  It was with you and it happened a long time ago when you didn't even notice.  You made concessions for the other person and you settled for things that weren't your favorite, but got the job done.  You were too tired on Saturday mornings to cook the scrambled eggs he and the kids wanted plus the soft boiled egg you wanted, so you just made a pan of scrambled eggs.  You don't love scrambled eggs but you've eaten them every Saturday for eight years.  Pop quiz.  It's your first Saturday alone and what do you do?  I started to work the routine and then it hit me.  I can make whatever I want.  Freeing?  Nope.  I had no idea what I wanted so I cried at the overwhelmingness of it all then ate Del Taco (because that's where we go in Barstow when we don't know what else to eat....can I get an amen?).



I've been divorced for 21 months and sometimes I still forget that I don't need to cook for seven people nor am I required to consult with anyone to have lunch with a friend.  I have cried over the fact that I don't have a partner in this life but then the sound bytes of the past play in my head and I gratefully settle down to remember that God has a bigger plan for me.  God is my ultimate partner in this life. I stay focused on Him and my communion with His word; the grief becomes manageable and, some days, almost invisible.  It's called faith.


Allow yourself time to grieve each loss, no matter the type. Feel the sorrow.  Embrace the anger.  Push through the loneliness.   There is no cap on this time frame and, as long as you don't take up residency there, the tough moments will fade.  Don't be hard on yourself and know that you are not alone.  Not everyone will be honest about how tough some days can be, but I will. Facing the reality of today, no matter the circumstances, is the only way we make it through to see tomorrow.



Go find yourself; make a list of things you used to love and do them. Break out your bucket list and start to cross off the adventures, one by one.  If you find you don't love it, move on and enjoy the memory.  If you do love it, make it part of your routine.  Use this chance to reinvent yourself in all the ways you ever dreamed.  We've got this. 

A Smidgen of Faith

My divorce was final one year ago today.  Some people do not even know that I went through this long and, at times, frightening ordeal.  But whether you knew or not is irrelevant to this story and well, now you know.  What is relevant is what I have learned in the last year.  

There is a great big world out there.  Most people spend their whole lives trying to sink their teeth into a tiny piece.  The most important thing I learned is that this world wasn't meant for me.  God has much bigger plans for my life than trying to fit in with the current trends and, each day that I faithfully attempt to allow Christ to control my life, He shows me a better path.  I am not perfect and I fail often but I wake up each morning asking Jesus Christ to light my path and keep me away from temptations and evil.  Again, I fail every day.  I gossip, swear, and question my life at some point in every single day, sometimes more than once.  The point is, I am increasingly more aware of this and I turn my thoughts back to God as soon as I realize my mind has strayed.  

I was presented with many life lessons which were opportunities to trust God's Will for my life.  I was dumped, via the avoidance method, by a boyfriend who promised he would never leave me again.  I was betrayed most heinously by people who claimed to be my close friends.  I have cried on the floor next to a broken toilet, praying I would be able to figure out how to fix it.  I have filled out more legal paperwork than Johnny Cochran.  I was required to assume responsibility for an astronomical amount of debt that wasn't all mine.  I have sobbed hysterically over missing my parents.   I have thrown away dumpsters full of trash that at one time were considered treasures.  I have stood on a ladder at the edge of the roof, too panic-stricken to get down.  I have wondered if a Godly man exists who will be my helpmate or if I will be alone until my name is called. 

What I have not done is lost faith in God; my Creator who knows me better than anyone.  Who has a plan for these trials that I have endured.  The God who picked me up off the couch on days when I could not find a good enough reason to do anything other than simply lay there and watch another episode of the Pioneer Woman.  My Heavenly Father who, while painfully pruning so many branches in my life, tells me to wait a little longer.  No, I don't always understand why, but I trust and believe in His wisdom.  I have seen that self-pity is a sin and I don't want to be caught doing that when the Rapture happens (or the Zombie Apocalypse, whichever comes first).  

God said that if we have the faith of a mustard seed, we can move mountains.  My mother had a necklace full of mustard seeds that she used to wear as a reminder of the tiny bit of faith that is required of us. I still possess that necklace and look at it frequently.  I'm sure I don't even have that much faith but I purposefully practice at it each day.  

I will say that throughout everything I have had the support of the best friends in which anyone could hope.  I am grateful for each act of kindness (some have been above and beyond what should even be asked of another person) and for the times they stepped up to remind me that God is in control.  

Will I make it through today without a meltdown?  I don't know.  Will I make it through today?  Yup.  I sure will.  Maybe not super gracefully, but I will make it and I will thank my Heavenly Father for all that the day encompassed.