Some of us marry for what we think is love. Some marry to have the dream wedding. Some marry as to not be alone. Whatever your reason, you took the plunge, it's over, and now what? No matter the reasons why you divorced (infidelity, spouse's addiction problems, financial issues, or pure, unadulterated hate) you, my friend, have just suffered a loss in your life that, if you do not grieve, it will destroy you.
No matter your feelings towards the other person or the things they may have done, it is still a loss. You have had some sort of routine with this person for years and now every responsibility falls on you. See, the thing with marriage is that you created a partnership with this person and your focus slowly zeroes in on them. Friends fade away, hobbies get packed into tubs in the garage, and your favorite restaurant becomes a once a year treat. No matter how hard you say this won't happen, it will, especially once kids arrive. It's natural and it's not always a bad thing. Your discussions change from dreams of far away places to "don't forget the dog food". As long as things are running smooth, this life is comfortable and can be rewarding. You have a partner that helps you make decisions, a built-in date for parties, and an entourage for Saturday afternoon lunches and movies.
All of that is gone once the D word is thrown out there. But I'm about to tell you something. The ultimate break up isn't with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse. It was with you and it happened a long time ago when you didn't even notice. You made concessions for the other person and you settled for things that weren't your favorite, but got the job done. You were too tired on Saturday mornings to cook the scrambled eggs he and the kids wanted plus the soft boiled egg you wanted, so you just made a pan of scrambled eggs. You don't love scrambled eggs but you've eaten them every Saturday for eight years. Pop quiz. It's your first Saturday alone and what do you do? I started to work the routine and then it hit me. I can make whatever I want. Freeing? Nope. I had no idea what I wanted so I cried at the overwhelmingness of it all then ate Del Taco (because that's where we go in Barstow when we don't know what else to eat....can I get an amen?).
I've been divorced for 21 months and sometimes I still forget that I don't need to cook for seven people nor am I required to consult with anyone to have lunch with a friend. I have cried over the fact that I don't have a partner in this life but then the sound bytes of the past play in my head and I gratefully settle down to remember that God has a bigger plan for me. God is my ultimate partner in this life. I stay focused on Him and my communion with His word; the grief becomes manageable and, some days, almost invisible. It's called faith.
Allow yourself time to grieve each loss, no matter the type. Feel the sorrow. Embrace the anger. Push through the loneliness. There is no cap on this time frame and, as long as you don't take up residency there, the tough moments will fade. Don't be hard on yourself and know that you are not alone. Not everyone will be honest about how tough some days can be, but I will. Facing the reality of today, no matter the circumstances, is the only way we make it through to see tomorrow.
Go find yourself; make a list of things you used to love and do them. Break out your bucket list and start to cross off the adventures, one by one. If you find you don't love it, move on and enjoy the memory. If you do love it, make it part of your routine. Use this chance to reinvent yourself in all the ways you ever dreamed. We've got this.
