Enough

Enough is quantitative, yet somehow not representative of a number.  Enough food, enough sleep, enough money; just plain enough.  It signals both our wit's end and when we are satisfied with what we have.   Do we ever have enough?  Can we ever be enough? 

Being enough is a lot of pressure (I am the queen in charge of that constraint).  Are we good enough in our work?  Attractive enough for the person we like?  Enough of a friend to those we love?  Do we do enough for others?  Do we let them do enough for us?  I think, in general, we like to believe we are.  We do our best and if that's not good enough we think, well, they can do it themselves, right?  

If it were only so easy.  Where the hurt comes is when you realize that you are no longer enough and something else has edged in.  Let me make this one thing very clear;  I am not speaking of people.  If you have feelings for someone and they don't share those same feelings, let them go.   Let them be free to be happy in whatever way 'happy' works for them.   I refuse to compete with another woman for a man's heart because  a) I will never win and b) it is pointless and incredibly  damaging to the very core of who I am.  I was not put on this earth to hold on to people like possessions or participate in some game of romance that I obviously don't understand; I am here to simply love and care for each person in my life, in whatever capacity I am allowed and able.  

To me, the hurt of enough that I am speaking of, occurs when things and habits take priority; when I  became somehow 'lesser' to drugs, alcohol, cars, money, a lifestyle - really, anything.  I have learned that I can not  compete with the attractive things of this world.   I can't make myself more desirable than money, more interesting than the things on internet, more addicting than drugs, more thrilling than gambling, or more soothing than a good glass of whiskey. I can't and I won't even make the attempt.  However, it still doesn't hurt any less.  It's tough knowing that those things, in essence, won the attention of someone in our life and changed every thing that we understood to be true.   To, in all honesty,  be tangibly shown that we weren't enough.  Most of the time, these things creep in over years, decades even, and we don't realize it's happened until things are too deep.  When you realize it, get out....for your own safety and sanity, if no other reason.  

One day, I hope to have a relationship that is enough; one where the things of the world would never be held to a higher esteem than I.   I hope to be enough for the friends I love and who love me in return.  I do realize that before I can be enough for someone else, I have to first be enough for myself.  I have to be strong and fearless yet still tender and loving to those who deserve it.   For today, my baby steps will have to be enough.