I have had a few major abdominal surgeries so I don't have any nerve feeling across the majority of my abdomen. This has resulted in dermatitis, heat irritation from getting too close to the stove, pinch marks, bruises of unknown origin and scratches that can not for the life of me be recalled. When I mention these goofy things that happen to someone they ask "Didn't that hurt?". Uh, nope. Which brings me to the latest, tragically dumb incident.
On Monday night I decided that I wanted cookies, but I didn't want to bake them. It was 9:30 at night and, due to my long run as a graveyard employee, I can't sleep and cookies that late didn't seem unreasonable. I move over to the ol trusty Pinterest search page and type in "No Bake Cookies". This amazing recipe for peanut butter chocolate no bake cookies pops up and I think "yup, I've got all the ingredients" so off I go. I boil the cocoa, milk, butter and sugar, remove from heat, add in the oats and vanilla and drop onto the wax paper to refrigerate. I can taste them now. I finish watching my TV program and head to the kitchen for a freshly chilled cookie. It was soooo good. I watch another TV program or two and head to bed around 12:30am. As I'm getting ready to lay down, I decide to check on my amazing green, purple and black bruise of unknown origin that I noticed on my stomach over the weekend.
All of a sudden my eye catches this huge bubble sticking out of my stomach. I freak out! What happened? Did I get bit by something? Are my insides coming out? What the heck? I decided, after a few minutes of fretting, to wake up Jerry and ask his advice. I say "Honey, I'm sorry to wake you up but, what is this?" and lift up my jammies. He yells "What the @&*% is that?" in a very non soothing, not at all calm tone. Very helpful. I tell him that I don't know and that's why I woke him up. He says "It's a burn! A bad one. What did you burn yourself on?". Insert meltdown here. I start bawling my eyes out, hysterically and sobbing "I. DON'T. KNOW. I. MISS. MY. MOMMMMMYYYYY". What is my poor husband supposed to do? Men are fixers. He can't fix that I miss my mommy and I'm not answering his question as to what happened to me. The truth is, I don't know. My guess is that I got too close to the hot pan while making the cookies, but I don't recall that happening. The ER doctor told me "Wow, it's a good thing you can't feel that because I can tell you that it should hurt like crazy". Oh, uh, thanks?
What I do know is that I have second degree burns on about a 3 inch by 3 inch area on my belly and that I miss my mom. Our birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years came and went without any real issues. Easter was difficult because I was missing my mom and my Auntie Barb. Auntie Barb passing really solidified my feelings of being orphaned because, as long as she was still alive, I still had that connection to my mom's life. But this; this ridiculous and (thank you Lord) fairly minor accident, was my crash point. I wanted my mom to look at this burn and tell me what to do. No other advice was going to do. Nothing was going to pull me off the ceiling until I just cried myself to sleep, desperately wanting my mom. She always laughed when we got hurt because, as she told us later in life, it was her way of deflecting the panic she felt watching her babies in pain. The next morning, I call one of my best friends and tell her what happened. She laughs at me and says that she hopes that the hospital doesn't call the police to have me committed. I promptly tell her to accept any collect calls she gets that day because it will be me calling from the Behavioral Health Unit because I don't think they let you have sharp or shiny objects in there, to include my 50 cents for the phone call.
It is not only catastrophic events that God uses to call out to gain our attention to deal with our feelings. For me, it is the little, day to day issues that make me realize how much I miss my mom, Auntie Barb, my dad, and all the others that went before them. It is also in these tiny details that the Lord calls me closer to Him. Today, I laugh at the burn and praise God for how long he allowed me to have my mom and all she taught me. I will also be heading out to find a burn proof apron.
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